The labor process for the dad is wild, stressful, frustrating, and rewarding. At one point I even broke down because there was nothing I could do to comfort her and make the pain go away. I was sleep deprived, hungry, and drained from trying to do everything I could to work through the process. Every dad will have a different experience, but here are some of the things I learned:
Flexibility – We had a birth plan. It went out the window when we had to induce labor. The safety of our baby took precedence to any previous plans.
Advocate for her – She will be more tired, in more pain, and even more frustrated than you. She might forget to request pain killers (or more than the given dose). She might forget to eat. She might not ask the nurses or doctors certain questions. If she is uncomfortable, there actually may be a problem with the bed (which we had). Be her second voice because she might not have one.
Ask questions – Similar to advocacy, ask questions that she may forget. You will both be talking about what she is feeling, wondering, etc. and when the nurse comes, you can both get most things answered if you are both asking the questions.
Helplessness – You might feel helpless. I sure did and I think this is normal. You are trying to be as supportive as possible and have probably never seen your partner in so much pain – and there is nothing you can do. Just know that the professionals are doing the best they can, she WILL get through it, and you both will be a stronger unit because of it.
Be assertive – The nurse call button will become your best friend – don’t be afraid to use it. Go to the nurse station and ask for water, ice, food, a hug, whatever you need. They are there to help you and will do whatever they can.
Nurse “gift” – Given that you will be a nag, bring the nurses something. I brought them cookies from a local bakery when I went out to escape get some fresh air and they definitely appreciated it. While you will have your dedicated nurse 95% of the time, a team will “join” you for the actual delivery. It might be good for them to like you already.
Sleep – If she says it’s OK for you to sleep, do it. She will be fine and will need you when it really counts. You will be up for long stretches of time and it is OK to be tired. When that epidural kicks in, you will definitely be able to get some sleep.
Eat – The problem wasn’t skipping meals – the problem was that I wasn’t sleeping (for obvious reasons). So my body was obviously trying to function. It needed food when I wouldn’t normally eat (like midnight or 2am). We had snacks, but plan to have more than just pretzels and Wheat Thins to fuel your body in the middle of the night.
Encouragement – Encourage her to try different soothing techniques. She may default to one (my wife’s was gripping the side of the bed with all her might). But we also tried bouncing on a yoga ball (kind of worked) and walking around. Walking seemed to work the best to help ease the pain. She also showered. All helped to some degree or another, but she might not want to even move. Encourage her, but don’t force her.
Admiration – You will have a new and profound admiration for your partner having seen what they had to endure. Imagine having the worst pains of your life, over and over again for hours, not knowing when they will end. And then try to do that without eating or drinking anything. Their bodies and minds are put through torture. Hence the invention of the “Push Present.”
If you are a new dad or dad to be, you can find support and resources at Facebook.com/ElevateDads
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