What Teaching my Daughter to Sleep, Taught Me About God

This post is from guest contributor Jason Helveston, Lead Pastor of Dwell Christian Church in San Jose, California. He and his Michigander wife have a young daughter and a son due in November. Jason blogs regularly at jasonhelveston.com and you can follow him on Twitter: @JasonHelveston.

She was crying. A lot. And with the passion of her future self at a One Direction fifteen-year reunion concert, she showed no signs of stopping. The experts told us it was time. I thought it was stupid.

What could possibly be healthy about letting my eight month-old daughter get comfortable with the idea that her tears no longer yanked the superhero out of her daddy? Were the sweet nothings I whispered in her ear every night that damaging? Did my rocking arms really constrict and stifle her budding development? Did the tears, now welling up in my eyes, somehow communicate more love than leaping into her room and saving day (or night, I guess)? You don’t have to be in the game very long to realize that being a dad is hard.

I stood behind the door counting down the seconds until I could fling it open and scoop her up. But I had to wait. Four minutes I was told. It was time to ween my little girl off of her daddy’s bedtime affections. My wife, who is the most incredible mother I know, had read an article or a blog post or a tweet or some other form of online communication that explained if we wanted a well-balanced child, and desired to be well-balanced ourselves, then it was time to change Glori’s sleep time routine. I trusted my wife. But I didn't trust the internet. Nevertheless I stood behind the door, listening to my daughter grow up.

Just the day before I could love my daughter the way I wanted. I could swaddle her like a little caterpillar in its chrysalis, waiting for new life as a butterfly to dawn. I was allowed to rock her in my arms, lulling her to sleep while singing what I’m convinced is her favorite song. And I could tip-toe out of her bedroom as she drifted into another blissful night's sleep. But that was yesterday. Tonight, I had to shield my heart from her tears. Apparently they only stay caterpillars for eight months. It was time to start flying.

As a person who thinks what the Bible says is real and true, one day I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Especially in light of the fact that my wife and I are raising our daughter to think and believe this way too. I can see it now. After one of those epic boy-band concerts my sweet, by that time, teenage butterfly will have a question. With her first black streaks of mascara slipping down her cheeks, she’ll ask, “If God loves me so much, then why did he let Candace and Tiffany tease me so much about Zayn?” I’m sure she won’t wait for some eloquent, pastorally seasoned explanation. I could just imagine what the door I was standing would sound like when it slams shut. (By the way if you ask me that Zayn guy sounds like a jerk; what kind of name is “Zayn” anyway?)

Maybe it won’t be after a concert. But someday she may be confused by the idea that God is described as wonderful and generous and yet many of her friend’s fathers treat them horribly. Or maybe I’ll do something to break her heart and the contradiction will be standing right in front of her. Maybe it won’t be because she was teased. Maybe all of her girlfriends’ dads will be awesome. And I hope I never put that kind of doubt in her mind. But it’s inevitable. One day the message of a loving God will collide with the reality of the sadness around her. Kind of like the collision happening in my heart behind the door to her room. Whenever it happens, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do.

If and when my daughter asks me such a question, she won’t be alone. In fact I think it is one of the most difficult aspects of being a person of faith or believing in such a God … reading an idea or promise or story in Scripture and finding it contradictory in comparison to our everyday experiences. For instance, when my wife and I experienced the miscarriage of our first pregnancy I found the stories of Abraham and Sarah as well as Jacob and his wives completely aggravating. In both cases women were faced with infertility and God opened their wombs. They celebrated. How was I supposed to harmonize those stories and principles and celebrations with the pain my wife and I felt? In other instances when the end of the month rolls around and Mint.com tells me things aren't exactly flush, verses casting God as the ultimate provider are a bit difficult to stomach. Jesus even instructed his disciples to have faith by highlighting the lack of anxiety a flock of birds had because God always provides for them.

I stood behind the door and I wanted to be a sparrow. It was a desire that welled up from deep down within me. It felt like grief and anger and complete annoyance wrapped up into a single contradiction of faith and life. My daughter kept crying. I kept reassuring myself this was normal, no big deal, but I still hurt for her. I started whispering under my breath, coaching her to sleep. I even started praying that God would help lull her to sleep in my stead. Just another sixty- seconds.

Since becoming a dad I've paid much closer attention to the numerous places in Scripture where God is described as Father. There are many. Jesus talked about God and to God as his Father — which makes sense since he was the Son. Jesus’ famous payer, the Lord’s Prayer, begins with that address … “our Father who is in heaven.” Actually this is one of those images as well. One of those difficult aspects and places to find harmony between Scripture and the reality of life. Many people, as I imagined of my daughter’s future circle of friends, don’t have a good dad. And one of my greatest fears is that I’ll give my daughter a misguided picture of fatherhood. To think of God as a father or dad … let’s just say it can be complicated.

Another story comes to mind. Jesus asks a group of men, “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?” I bet the crowd was a little confused, but nevertheless understood that the answer was none of them. Jesus connects the dots. “If you then, know how to give good gifts to you children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?”

The point Jesus was making was that the Heavenly Father desperately wants to give good things to his kids. He loves them and freakishly desires their well-being. Like every loving father he knows what they need and desires to give generously, and even rescue them when necessary. Ah, but it also means he knows when it is best (if not necessary) to withhold something, or to let his son or daughter experience something difficult that will instill qualities in them that can’t otherwise be produced. All of this profoundly comes together when the Son is on the cross. A moment that Jesus requested, if possible, if there was another way, if the Father was willing, be taken from him. It wasn't. However in this case it wasn't so a quality could be instilled in Jesus, but so that the possibility for a myriad of qualities to be instilled in all of God's children would be secured. And, though on a much lesser scale, it seemed there was no other way for my daughter either.
Just as I was about to open Glori’s door with my red cape flapping behind me, the unthinkable happened. She stopped crying. In fact, as I remember it, she started sleeping a lot better and crying a lot less every night after that. And so did I.

One day the tears will come back. Mascara will run and she’ll be wearing a t-shirt donning the mug of some British-Irish pop star. And I image she will want to ask me a question before she slams a door. She’ll want to know how divine love and tangible sadness can coexist. I don’t know everything I’ll tell my daughter that night. But I do know I’ll start by telling her about that night I stood behind her bedroom door. The night I found out the internet wasn't so stupid after all.

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5 Maxi Cosi Car Seat Tips

This post is from guest contributor Seth Burleigh, new dad and Founder of FortyWeeksLater.com. You can follow the rest of his journey at www.fortyweekslater.com. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, I took my car seat to the local police station to have them check my installation. There were a few things I did wrong, so here are my tips. And for those that are curious, we have the Maxi Cosi Mico infant car seat and the Maxi Cosi Pria 70 convertible car seat (not yet installed).

1. MAKE SURE IT IS NOT DEFECTIVE! Check to make sure all the clips, pads, straps, etc. that are supposed to be on the car seat actually are – even if you think the seat is brand new, comes in what appears to be the original packaging, and was bought online or received through your registry.
2. Most new cars have the LATCH system. However, your car might not have it for all the back seats. Mine only had it for the outside back seats, not the middle. But research has shown (and the police officer confirmed) that the middle seat is safer since baby is further from the side of the car if there is impact. Makes sense to me! However, with that said, you can’t use the outside LATCH anchors in the middle seat, no matter how you are able to force it (like I was). Thus, I use the seat belt, which is fine. In fact, the seat belt doesn't have a weight limit, whereas the LATCH system does. Neither is better or worse than the other.
3. If you are using the LATCH installation, it’s pretty simple. Click the anchors in, tighten, and you’re done. But if you are using the seat belt, you need to make it tight. We all know that if you tug abruptly on the seat belt it will stop (as it should), but do you know how to “trick” the seat belt into stopping? Pull it all the way out and you’ll hear the ratchet start to click as the belt recoils back. Once it does that, you can secure your car seat with it, otherwise the seat belt will just keep moving.
4. Strapping your baby in is pretty self-explanatory. But the one thing I did learn was that if you happen to live in a colder climate (I do not) and dress your baby in a bulky jacket a la The Michelin Man – take it off when you strap them in. If you don’t, you’re really strapping in the jacket and your baby can still move around inside. Lay the jacket on top like a blanket (or reverse it and put in their arms only).
5. According to the police officer, industry regulations allow you to put a blanket or towel on the sides of the baby to secure them even more if they are small. But they don’t allow any after-market pads and will in fact claim no liability if such a pad is used and baby is injured (god forbid).

Do you have any tips of your own?

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An Everyday Dad Job Description

I talk to a lot of people throughout the country. It's part of my job. Almost every time I meet a new person, and it's a guy, twenty to thirty seconds into our conversation he'll ask the most crucial of questions, "So, what do you do?" If you've never experienced this, it goes a little like this:

Mr. Dude walks up and says, "Hi."
I shake his hand and say, "Hello"
Mr. Dude smiles and says, "So what do you do?"

And that's pretty much it. I've fallen victim to this icebreaker so many times that I've learned to have some fun with it. Instead of talking about what I do to make a living, I've found that dishing out a more thorough description seems fair. As a father of three, it makes for much more fun. You should try it sometime. Here are some examples of what I do; as a dad.

I'm an Everyday Superhero. I jump off the couch and save their stuffed animals from being sucked up by the vacuum and I rescue plastic ducks from the toilet. 

I'm a Spider Killer. This can be a highly controversial topic, but spiders don't live once found in the house. My kids find them, I take them down. End of story.

I'm a High Fashion Stylist. When mom's not at home, I'm in charge of their hair. I can put a bow on them like a champion. Be jelly, Paul Mitchell.

I'm a Gourmet Chef. I make art with food. It can be soup from a can or noodles from a box; it truly does not matter. They consider my food presentation the finest.  

I'm a Plummer. Enough said. 

I'm a Bodyguard and Protector. Even in our cul-de-sac, I watch their every move. No ant will bite, no crack will trip them. The moments they get scared, I run into their room and tell them the coast is clear. 

I'm Please Daddy. Sometimes it's bubble gum and other times ice cream. Our youngest knows it's my kryptonite. 

I'm a Tea Party Coordinator. I handle the invitations for Winnie the Pooh and other celebrities to all our daughters' formal tea parties. 

I'm a Creative Planner. There are times in which boredom sets in.  I destroy it with break dancing contests or a treasure hunting trip. 

I'm a Stunt Driver. Even in our suburban neighborhood and surroundings, it's necessary to learn these mad skills. You'd be surprised on how many times we've had to pull off some moves in a Target parking lot. 

I'm the Tooth Fairy. No wings. Just straight up tooth for cash exchange. 

Honestly, I have so many other roles. But my favorite is this...

I'm a Husband to a beautiful wife, a father to some pretty awesome kids, and graciously privileged to be loved by Christ. If not for those things, my identity might rest in things far less significant. 

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." - Francis Chan

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My First (and Last) Attempt at Swaddling

From guest contributor David Ozab and is based on a short excerpt from his memoir A Smile for Anna. He blogs about parenting and life at Fatherhood Etc, and about his writing career at DavidOzab.com.

I learned a lot as a new dad.

I learned how to change and feed our baby, how to comfort her and interact with her, and as she grew older I learned how to keep her out of too much mischief. Becoming a parent made me a parenting expert, with one exception.

Swaddling.

I read that swaddling is the best way to get a newborn to sleep. I also read that it is easy to learn.

The first statement is true.

The second is a horrible lie!

But I had to find out for myself. I saw the nurses swaddle Anna in the hospital, and it didn't look that hard. And she slept pretty soundly—for a newborn, only waking every few hours to eat. So shortly after we brought her home, I looked up directions on the Internet and gave it a try. I had a blanket, a changing table, printed instructions, and Anna. I was all ready to go.

Step One: Fold one corner of your blanket down. (A receiving blanket works well.) Place your baby in the middle of the fold with his head …

Her head.

… with her head above the edge.

Okay, Anna in one hand. Folding blanket down with the other. Setting her down on the changing table. So far, so good.

Step Two: Pull the left side of the blanket snugly across your baby's chest …

Okay.

… making sure her right arm is wrapped close to her body …

Check.

… Then lift your baby's left arm and securely tuck the blanket under her body.

Right arm in, left arm out. Got it!

Step Three: Bring the bottom of the blanket up and either fold the edge back or tuck it into the first swathe …

“Either? I don't know what I’m doing. Don’t give me either!”

“You need help?” my wife Julia asked from across the room.

“I’m fine.”

Okay, David, pick one.

… tuck it into the first swathe. Then pull the last corner of the blanket across your baby's chest, securing her left arm near her body.

Left arm secure? Check.

Step Four: Tuck the blanket under your baby's back as far as it will go. Keep your baby snugly wrapped as you pick her up.

Done!

I lifted Anna up to my chest. “Check it out. I think I got it.”

Julia walked over. “Looks good.”

I carried her to the bassinet and set her in. Out popped a finger. A wiggle or two more, and she freed her right hand. Then more wiggles, a finger, two fingers, and she freed her left hand. Wiggle, squirm, and grunt … both arms out.

“Nice try.” Julia leaned over, picked up Anna, and cradled her in her arms. “That’s my little Houdini.” She leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

Step Five: If your baby is a "little Houdini," give up now and drink more coffee. She'll sleep through the night eventually.

Five months later, she finally did. So did we. I never mastered swaddling, but I learned a lot about being a dad from practicing the other skills that I eventually got right.

And now, seven-and-a-half years later, she's a bright, outgoing second grader, and a testimony to my dedication as a parent. So don't be afraid to make mistakes as a new dad. You will learn from them and be a better father as a result.

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Will You Communicate By Mo-o-o-o-orse?

Cat goes meow. Bird goes tweet. But when your kids try to communicate with you, do you really know what they are saying? 

Communicating with your child can sometimes seem impossible. Whether it's because of generational differences, or lack of clarity, communication between parent and child can be madness. Just when one of our kids makes it easy and it seems like we've got it all figured out, our other child challenges every word leaving us wondering if we have a clue. 

So before you find yourself changing your child's first name to Just Do It, take a moment to step back and give these ideas a try.

Don't just talk; listen. Our children need direction. They should be allowed to ask questions in order to grasp what you are expecting or asking them to do. It takes time on our part to be willing to slow down long enough for them to do this. If we're honest, we'd rather give an order and have it accomplished then sit down and hear a story about a unicorn dancing on a rainbow. But, more often than not, once they feel like you've cared enough to listen to the things they deem important, the more they desire to please you.   

Be available for your child. This morning my youngest daughter wanted me to follow her to the bathroom. It didn't make a lot of sense because she's been an independent potty warrior for quite some time. For me to stop doing what I was in the middle of, just to walk her 10 feet from where she already was, seemed like a mild inconvenience. I did it anyway. The payoff came the very moment I got up to be with her. She grabbed my hand and said, "Thank you, daddy!" Just to know that someone wants you to be near them should motivate us to always be ready for them. She felt safe and loved. And that's really all she wanted. 

Be Honest. You may be the authority and you may be the parent, but you're not Jesus. Each of us make mistakes and fall short of being perfect. Don't try to fake it with your kids. They will see through it and use it to terrorize you. When you're having a trying day, invite them in to pray for you. Give them the chance to communicate from their hearts to the caretaker of us all. You'd be surprised how willing they are to take you up on the offer. And when they realize you trust them with you're hardest moments, they'll be ready to let you into theirs. 

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

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3 Signs Your Child Might Be a Ninja

So your kids are running around the house and creating pet names for inanimate objects. Bobo, the sock puppet, flies through the air and smacks you right in the face. It's supposed to be time for your children to dive into homework and relish insightful conversation about computability theory, but instead you find yourself internally reciting Stuart Smalley quotes in order to survive. You think, "Why won't they listen?" or, "Is there something I'm doing wrong?" You only want the best for them and without some academic advancement they may not survive. Who will they become? Breathe. Exhale... Your child might be a ninja!!!???

The truth is there's no cookie-cutter kit for the perfect child. We all have dreams and aspirations for our children that we'd desperately long to see come to fruition. We should be thoughtful and care deeply about how they make a contribution to society. But our children are prewired for greatness and we often take on the role of engineer; meddling with their future. It's in those moments we foul up their operating system and fume with agitation while everything crashes. But what if you could expel your plans of who they must become and replace them with finding their strengths? What if your frustrations turned into falling in love with their weaknesses? Maybe your child will grow up to be a ninja; maybe a doctor, or a mother of 3. What's most important is that they know they are fearfully and wonderful made. Here are some practical ways to allow your children to find out who they are, how they fit into the world and what they can bring to it.
 
1. Cultivate Creativity. Constantly forcing methods that are static leave little room for adventurous observation. If you find yourself nagging more than nurturing, ditch the routine and seek to find what excites your child. Ask them what they'd like to learn and gravitate towards it. Buy the books. Go to the exhibits. 

2. Fuel Their Passion. It's all too easy to work yourself into exhaustion spending all your time fixing your child's weakness. By doing this we unwittingly send our children disapproving messages causing them to focus on their weaknesses. Discover their strengths and encourage their interests. Use supportive words and challenge them to keep going. It may be odd to you at first, but where lies their passion lies their purpose. 

3. Get Messy. Comfort and structure bring us false security. Forcing your child into a lifestyle of plan B's leaves them with a sense of self-doubt. For children to discover and develop their purpose they need to have freedom to get messy and fail. Allow a change of scenery and give them the keys to drive a bit. Guide them along the way, but dig in the dirt and get dirty. Eat weird stuff. Be a kid with them and watch their purpose unfold.

*If these little tips don't land, give this last one some consideration.

Bonus Option. Love them like Jesus. Your children are an entrusted gift. They have been placed in your care and only for a season. The moments you become swallowed in the abyss of pressure; stop, drop and roll into the arms of a Father that knows your every need.

People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:15-17 (NIV)

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